Quotes About Stand-up

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You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words … have you finished?"

Eddie Izzard

If you only ever read one book in your lifetime, I highly recommend you keep your mouth shut.

Stewart Lee

Now that's a very, very bad idea. You should stay away from your potential. I mean that is something you should leave absolutely alone. You'll mess it up! It's potential, leave it! And anyway, it's like your bank balance, you always have a lot less than you think.

Dylan Moran

They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

Bill Hicks

And my friend is black, But I don't know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve...

Bo Burnham

I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

Bill Hicks