Quotes About Comedy

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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Mitch Hedberg

I opened-up a yoghurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yoghurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

Mitch Hedberg

Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it? Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious. Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

Leslie Nielsen

Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

Hank Evans

They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?

Marty

You said it, man. Nobody f*cks with the Jesus.

Jesus Quintana

Maude Lebowski: What do you do for recreation? The Dude: Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

The Dude

You the people have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness. You the people have the power to make life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.

Charlie Chaplin

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Will Rogers

The 2012 London Olympics were supposed to restore British National pride. £20 billion to restore British National pride? For £20 billion, we could have written 'F*CK OFF GERMANY' on the moon.

Frankie Boyle