You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words … have you finished?"
I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
When relationships end, people always want to know why? Why doesn't matter! I had a girl break up with me, I said okay, and went for the door. She asked, don't you want to know why? I answered, when someone gets paroled from prison, he doesn't stick around to find out why... he just runs for the gate!
If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the f*ck?" and I will pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
When I wear t-shirts I can only wear v-necks because my neck is very fragile. I cannot wear regular neck shirts, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Like, wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled - by a really weak guy - all damn day. If you wear a turtle neck and a backpack, its like a weak midget trying to bring you down.